The Gospel According To Jones...

“Thou shalt go out and party on the weekend, but thou shalt remember to not shame thyself or thy fellow party-ers...and thou shalt take a day of rest upon the first of every work-week, and it shall be known as 'the day of hangovers'...“

“Do not act in a way demeaning of thyself or the self of others, unless thou art in a state of drunken-ness; and even then thou shalt cause no lasting harm, but, being assured of thy prowess at singing, thou shalt partake in karaoke...“

“Thou shalt not think of thyself as anything more than one amongst many, for no-one likes a show-off. You're no better than anyone else, deal with it.“

“The greatest knowledge is of thyself; knowing that is all that matters. Eighth-grade maths is well for accountants, but self-awarness is well for humans.“

“Thou shalt honour thy mother and father - they birthed you, the least you can do is cough-up for a decent retirement-home; for remember that one day thouest will be old, and when that happens thou will want of a decent retirement-home too.“

“Thou shalt not, and I really want to stress this, NOT kill. Nor shalt thou engage others in violence. In exchange for this non-violence, thou shalt not act like thou hast a phallus for a head merely because thou shalt not be hit. Just everyone be cool, okay?“

“Thou shalt think, feel and be whatever thou wantest, provided it does not interfere with what other wish to think/feel/be. Nor shalt thou act as a phallus-head accordingly.“

“Drugs are a naturally occurance, they grow in the ground. Unless it causes you to act like an aforementioned phallus-head, which is a no-no, go bananas.“

“Believe whatever you want to believe, it matters not to me. If other do not share your belief, that's their loss. Do not force thy beliefs upon others. Just leave people alone.“

“Thou shalt never text while in a state of drunken-ness, nor shalt thy friends allow it. Thou mayest think “i <3 ur boobz“ is witty and poetic, but thou art alone in that regard.“

“Thou shalt make no decisions after two of the moring - no good may come of it, go back to bed.“

“Thou shalt accept responsibility for thy actions, not blame thy failings on others, particularly the foreign guy at work who doesn't speak English. That's a metaphor.“

“Do not buy more than thou can'st afford. Once again, metaphor.“

“Thou shalt make bad decisions and mistakes though thou tryest hard not too - that is allowed. The choice thing forbidden is to make one un-informed. If thou would smoke, be aware of the risks to thy health. If thou would drink, do so responsibly. If thou would use drugs, be aware of the consequences. It's common sense. Know thy limits, what thy can and can not handle. If thou doest not partake of this wisdom, thou art in posession of a phallus for a head.“

“All else thou shalt do free from persecution, but if thou contravenes any of these rules, thou nuts are mine.“